Taboo subjects like masturbation, are not easy to talk about, but I believe having an open healthy discussions about them will make positive impact.
Wikipedia defines masturbation as “the sexual stimulation of one’s own genitals for sexual arousal or other sexual pleasure, usually to the point of orgasm. The stimulation may involve hands, fingers, everyday objects, sex toys such as vibrators, or combinations..”
When you are in a relationship it is fair to assume that you are the center of love, affection, sexual desires and attention of your partner. The act of masturbation involves fantasies about people, other than your partner, a thought does not correlate to being with a partner. But we all human after all, many of us will accept the fact that our partners masturbate occasionally.
Masturbation with a partner or in private can be normal and healthy. It can provide “me” time, when done in private. It is known to relief sexual tension without risk of pregnancy or STDs. It is said that it can improve sleep, deal with stress and provide relief for muscles and lower blood pressure ( https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/).
As long as it is occasional, we all happy and all seems well and cool.
Trying to quantify conditionality is subjective! . Let us assume that occasional is few times per month, which might be acceptable to many people in a relationships. I personally thought that this frequency is what most people are at, but to my surprise it is not.
I have pulled the data from Qoura.com and put it in to the graph below
The graph above shows that almost 43% of men aged 20-30 masturbate more than two to three times per week, with 20% of men doing it at more than four times a week. While 53% of women aged 20 to 30 masturbate less than few times per month, with 30% not once in a year!!!
Obviously there is a striking gender difference. Women stats suggest they might be doing it occasionally (per our definition above), consequently is acceptable, while men are way above our margins for occasional use, denoting it might not be acceptable.
Psychology Today states that “compensatory model suggests that people in relationships masturbate as a means to substitute for sexual desires (whether in quantity, quality or type) that go unmet within the relationship” . Psychology Today suggests that women use it in complementary way while men in a compensatory manner.
With the above stats and the compensatory model in mind, I limit the rest of the discussion to male masturbation.
I will argue that if men are masturbating at this rate , either something is wrong with the relationship, especially when it involves fantasy about people other than one’s partner or something wrong with their needs and desires not being met by a partner of their choice.
Fortunately, The National Center for Biotechnology Information recently published a study by Regnerus, Price and Gordon examining this issue. They have used a very large sample of Americans (7648 men and 8090 women). The study concluded that people content with their relationships are less likely to masturbate. Sexually discontented men have 80% higher rate of masturbation.
Masturbation at the frequency, men in a relationship are using, is bad for the relationship, the partner, the society and oneself.
Tolerance effect suggests that the sexual fantasies involved when masturbation will need to grow more exciting, more provocative and ultimately more dangerous with continued frequent masturbation. Gradually, levels of stimulation required will never be achieved by having sexual intercourse with partner. This will lead to partner frustration and usually, women will be blamed for that lack of climax. Another area where women are blamed in patriarchal society that will need to change.
With occasional masturbation, males will be ready to male love to their partners , prepared to pleasure them, and ready to go on for longer before they ejaculate.
The repeated extreme fantasies, referred to in the tolerance effect above, may lead, with certain physiological traits in males, to normalizing these extreme and dangerous fantasies, in male mind. These could be demeaning, brutal , dangerous or at least not acceptable to society and especially to women.
I close with few questions, I would love to see some of your views below;
- Considering the above, is “more than occasional” masturbation tantamount to cheating?
- In a relationship, should males tell or ask their female partners if they can masturbate?
- In a relationship shall we only be able to masturbate with partners ?
- Is it an area where women have been suffering from, since ages, and it is time to address head?
- Shall woman be in control of her male partner masturbation and climax?